WOW!
I just read over my blog from start to finish. What an eye-opener! I really have come a long way!
I recently went through some grief recycling, & had a lot of teary moments. I believe my recent bout of grief is the beginning of a new phase of acceptance. I am single. I do not HAVE to date anyone or be in a relationship. It is OK if I am not ready, and I am NOT "less than" because I do not have a man in my life right now. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to get "out there," I think in response to the fact that BH ran out & started dating so quickly. I felt like something was wrong with me for not being able to just jump at the first decent guy that came along & get back into a relationship! But damn... BH is a pathological narcissist - I should NOT model my behavior after HIS!!!! I took down my online dating profile (& I really HATE that online dating world, but that is a whole different story!!) & I am just taking things day by day. If I meet someone, great - but I am not going to SEARCH for it at this point!
I also had a huge epiphany over the weekend. One of my new friends, who I love dearly & is a major source of suuport (& FUN) in my life, is married with 4 stepchildren. She spends 4-5 days a month with them (in contrast to the 75% of my life spent with my former stepkids.) Her oldest stepchild has issues similar to my former stepson (Aspergers, etc.) Her stepkids are much happier, friendly children than mine were, and she actually loves them (I admit, I did NOT love my stepkids.) And in contrast to my former life, my friend's husband does most of the work involving his own children. They are, after all, HIS children!!! Anyway... My kids & I hung out with them this weekend, and I have to admit, being around the whole stepkid situation, and witnessing some of the issues going on with the kid with Aspergers (issues eerily similar to my ex stepson's) really brought something home to me: I am SO HAPPY to be away from the DYSFUNCTION of my life with BH, and to be away from his children & his attitude & abusive behavior towards them & the drama they came with & just them in general!!! Life in BH's house was chaotic, tension-filled, full of drama, and stressful! Life with myself & my own 2 kids is PEACEFUL & drama-free. The atmosphere in our home is casual, loving, comfortable, & fun. I have spent way too much time feeling sad about being alone, and not enough time contemplating the major improvements my life has as a result of leaving BH & being alone!
So... that is where my head is at today... who knows where it will be tomorrow?!
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