WOW!
I just read over my blog from start to finish. What an eye-opener! I really have come a long way!
I recently went through some grief recycling, & had a lot of teary moments. I believe my recent bout of grief is the beginning of a new phase of acceptance. I am single. I do not HAVE to date anyone or be in a relationship. It is OK if I am not ready, and I am NOT "less than" because I do not have a man in my life right now. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to get "out there," I think in response to the fact that BH ran out & started dating so quickly. I felt like something was wrong with me for not being able to just jump at the first decent guy that came along & get back into a relationship! But damn... BH is a pathological narcissist - I should NOT model my behavior after HIS!!!! I took down my online dating profile (& I really HATE that online dating world, but that is a whole different story!!) & I am just taking things day by day. If I meet someone, great - but I am not going to SEARCH for it at this point!
I also had a huge epiphany over the weekend. One of my new friends, who I love dearly & is a major source of suuport (& FUN) in my life, is married with 4 stepchildren. She spends 4-5 days a month with them (in contrast to the 75% of my life spent with my former stepkids.) Her oldest stepchild has issues similar to my former stepson (Aspergers, etc.) Her stepkids are much happier, friendly children than mine were, and she actually loves them (I admit, I did NOT love my stepkids.) And in contrast to my former life, my friend's husband does most of the work involving his own children. They are, after all, HIS children!!! Anyway... My kids & I hung out with them this weekend, and I have to admit, being around the whole stepkid situation, and witnessing some of the issues going on with the kid with Aspergers (issues eerily similar to my ex stepson's) really brought something home to me: I am SO HAPPY to be away from the DYSFUNCTION of my life with BH, and to be away from his children & his attitude & abusive behavior towards them & the drama they came with & just them in general!!! Life in BH's house was chaotic, tension-filled, full of drama, and stressful! Life with myself & my own 2 kids is PEACEFUL & drama-free. The atmosphere in our home is casual, loving, comfortable, & fun. I have spent way too much time feeling sad about being alone, and not enough time contemplating the major improvements my life has as a result of leaving BH & being alone!
So... that is where my head is at today... who knows where it will be tomorrow?!
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Monday, September 19, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
ITALIAN FOOD -- MY WAY!!!
Tonight I am having a dinner party. I have 4 girlfriends coming over + 2 of their kids, & I am making baked ziti, tomato/mozz salad, garlic bread, and a strawberry tart. It has been a long time sine I have cooked for this many people!
As I started making my sauce this AM, I was struck again by how much I have changed/been affected by my relationship with BH. Before BH, I made Italian food all of the time. I made all different kinds of sauces, meatballs, ziti, lasagna, etc. I had a lot of confidence in my cooking ability. I had friends over & dinner parties all of the time & took a lot of pride in the dishes I prepared & received a lot of compliments.
Well BH was 1/2 Italian, & ONLY HE could make red sauce when we were together... and ONLY HE could make meatballs -- HIS WAY. I always fried the outside of my meatballs & threw them in the sauce to finish cooking. He always rolled them & threw them directly in the sauce (really, I did the PIA job of rolling them - of course.) They were pretty good - but I truly preferred meatballs made my way. When they are fried first, they have a yummy crust... BH's way produced mushy balls (SORRY - just HAD to go there!)
Anyway... as I was making my sauce, MY WAY, I realized how I had lost that confidence I always had in my abilities in the kitchen. Because BH went around declaring he was a better cook than me (he could only make about 4 dishes, but whatever!) & never apprecaited my efforts, complimented me, or even THANKED me... And believe me, I always made "special" dinners for him, things he liked (he also had kind of a limited palate.) I gave up eating a lot of things I enjoyed because he couldn't/wouldn't eat them. And for a foodie like myself, it really sucked!
I have to say, I am so glad I am cooking for friends that will APPRECIATE the efforts I am making for them! I am looking forward to eating a meal I will enjoy, with company I will enjoy, with no criticism, and definitely no one getting up from the table, leaving their dishes & going to play video games while I do all of the dishes!!!
As I started making my sauce this AM, I was struck again by how much I have changed/been affected by my relationship with BH. Before BH, I made Italian food all of the time. I made all different kinds of sauces, meatballs, ziti, lasagna, etc. I had a lot of confidence in my cooking ability. I had friends over & dinner parties all of the time & took a lot of pride in the dishes I prepared & received a lot of compliments.
Well BH was 1/2 Italian, & ONLY HE could make red sauce when we were together... and ONLY HE could make meatballs -- HIS WAY. I always fried the outside of my meatballs & threw them in the sauce to finish cooking. He always rolled them & threw them directly in the sauce (really, I did the PIA job of rolling them - of course.) They were pretty good - but I truly preferred meatballs made my way. When they are fried first, they have a yummy crust... BH's way produced mushy balls (SORRY - just HAD to go there!)
Anyway... as I was making my sauce, MY WAY, I realized how I had lost that confidence I always had in my abilities in the kitchen. Because BH went around declaring he was a better cook than me (he could only make about 4 dishes, but whatever!) & never apprecaited my efforts, complimented me, or even THANKED me... And believe me, I always made "special" dinners for him, things he liked (he also had kind of a limited palate.) I gave up eating a lot of things I enjoyed because he couldn't/wouldn't eat them. And for a foodie like myself, it really sucked!
I have to say, I am so glad I am cooking for friends that will APPRECIATE the efforts I am making for them! I am looking forward to eating a meal I will enjoy, with company I will enjoy, with no criticism, and definitely no one getting up from the table, leaving their dishes & going to play video games while I do all of the dishes!!!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Just Asking.....
Could you stay married to a person who left their dog in a cage full of vomit & diarrhea for 3 days - with no food and water - until their son was dropped off & made to deal with it?? Just asking............
What Do You Say to Yourself When You are Alone?
Every book I have read about divorce/healing/moving on talks about beeing GOOD to yourself. I must admit I am not doing affirmations as suggested or much positive self-talk. As a matter of fact, I have a problem with negative self-talk that existed before my life blew up. I HAVE been dieting & exercising, and have reached my goal of pre-BH weight & size. (YAY!!!) My weight has always been tied to how I feel about myself, so losing weight after I left BH was a matter of survival - I couldn't be devastated, lonely AND fat (or so I told myself!!!) And it feels like food/what I eat is the only thing I have control over right now!
I feel like my life is kind of on hold until I make a couple of key decisions and take ACTION. My fears about the future are also major roadblocks standing in my way. I just started reading a book called "Feel the Fear & Do it Anyway" recommended to me by my therapist to try to help me get past some of my inaction. I am so turned off/scared of conflict after what I went through with BH, that I am scared to say or do anything to rock anyone's boat! I am having trouble standing up for myself to do what I think is right, avoiding & delaying conversations, confrontations, whatever! My guilt over the past & self-doubt are also playing a big role in keeping me from moving forward.
I guess I need to pick up another one of the dozen or so self-help books I have purchased to learn how to meditate, say affirmations, visualize & make positive things happen, etc... Insanity is doing the same thing over & over again & expecting a different result, so I am just going to have to try to do things a different way! Now where did I put "Get a Life That Doesn't Suck..."
I feel like my life is kind of on hold until I make a couple of key decisions and take ACTION. My fears about the future are also major roadblocks standing in my way. I just started reading a book called "Feel the Fear & Do it Anyway" recommended to me by my therapist to try to help me get past some of my inaction. I am so turned off/scared of conflict after what I went through with BH, that I am scared to say or do anything to rock anyone's boat! I am having trouble standing up for myself to do what I think is right, avoiding & delaying conversations, confrontations, whatever! My guilt over the past & self-doubt are also playing a big role in keeping me from moving forward.
I guess I need to pick up another one of the dozen or so self-help books I have purchased to learn how to meditate, say affirmations, visualize & make positive things happen, etc... Insanity is doing the same thing over & over again & expecting a different result, so I am just going to have to try to do things a different way! Now where did I put "Get a Life That Doesn't Suck..."
Friday, June 24, 2011
Will I be OK???
One thing I have noticed about myself since I left the "security" of my marriage(s) is that I constantly need to be reassured that I am going to be "OK." I have (way too) many conversations with friends & family where my objective is to get answers to questions that are unanswerable!!! I am having A LOT of trouble living my life with so many UNKNOWNS!
My fear & frustration & lack of control over the future sometimes lead me down the unhealthy road of thinking that being in a bad marraige was better than being alone & adrift. My low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence cause me to wonder if I will ever get my sh!t together and stand on my own, and if anyone will ever love me again - especially now that I feel like damaged goods!
And although I am over the worst of my grief, I am still not HAPPY. I have happy moments, and sometimes hopeful moments, but for the most part I still feel like I have a shadow over my heart, and that I am not living the life I want. And I am still shedding way too many tears.
On a positive note (WOW! A POSITIVE NOTE!!!) I have some semblance of myself back. Until BH came into my life, I always had a large circle of friends. I lost some friends when the news of our affair came out. (Although I guess they were never REALLY my friends in the first place. A true friend can hate what you are doing, and tell you so, but still actually be your friend! ) And then BH was so possessive that I was unable to make new friends when I moved, and I quickly was so miserable in my life that I isolated myself from my old friends because I was ashamed of what my life had become, and did not want to share how I felt - because that would make it REAL & something I would have to DEAL WITH!
Anyway... the point is, I have reconnected with old friends, & made some new friends in the 3 months BH & I have been split. I actually have people that call me, and invite me places, I have GNO, I have gone on vacations/trips... These are activities I used to regularly enjoy before BH (once we were together, I only could do things with HIM - he even got pissed if I took the kids to Costco without HIM - NUTJOB!!!) It feels good to know that people still actually like me & think I am fun to hang out with (even though I am having trouble liking & hanging out with myself!)
I think a big part of what keeps me down is that the absence of the looming, controlling presence of BH & all of the drama that came with him has left a vacuum in my life. I have definitely filled up some of that vacuum with spending more time with my kids & working more hours, but there is still a lot of empty space in my life. I like to take care of people, and I have a lot of love to give... and not having a husband/BF/SO definitely leaves a void. Everything I read says you should just be able to love yourself & be a whole, healthy person & not NEED a mate... but I can't imagine feeling whole & fulfilled without having a partner in life (even though the idea of trusting & being intimate with a new man is terrifying to me at this point...)
I know I should focus on the HERE & NOW instead of letting my fears about the future rule my life... but it is HARD HARD HARD to do...
My fear & frustration & lack of control over the future sometimes lead me down the unhealthy road of thinking that being in a bad marraige was better than being alone & adrift. My low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence cause me to wonder if I will ever get my sh!t together and stand on my own, and if anyone will ever love me again - especially now that I feel like damaged goods!
And although I am over the worst of my grief, I am still not HAPPY. I have happy moments, and sometimes hopeful moments, but for the most part I still feel like I have a shadow over my heart, and that I am not living the life I want. And I am still shedding way too many tears.
On a positive note (WOW! A POSITIVE NOTE!!!) I have some semblance of myself back. Until BH came into my life, I always had a large circle of friends. I lost some friends when the news of our affair came out. (Although I guess they were never REALLY my friends in the first place. A true friend can hate what you are doing, and tell you so, but still actually be your friend! ) And then BH was so possessive that I was unable to make new friends when I moved, and I quickly was so miserable in my life that I isolated myself from my old friends because I was ashamed of what my life had become, and did not want to share how I felt - because that would make it REAL & something I would have to DEAL WITH!
Anyway... the point is, I have reconnected with old friends, & made some new friends in the 3 months BH & I have been split. I actually have people that call me, and invite me places, I have GNO, I have gone on vacations/trips... These are activities I used to regularly enjoy before BH (once we were together, I only could do things with HIM - he even got pissed if I took the kids to Costco without HIM - NUTJOB!!!) It feels good to know that people still actually like me & think I am fun to hang out with (even though I am having trouble liking & hanging out with myself!)
I think a big part of what keeps me down is that the absence of the looming, controlling presence of BH & all of the drama that came with him has left a vacuum in my life. I have definitely filled up some of that vacuum with spending more time with my kids & working more hours, but there is still a lot of empty space in my life. I like to take care of people, and I have a lot of love to give... and not having a husband/BF/SO definitely leaves a void. Everything I read says you should just be able to love yourself & be a whole, healthy person & not NEED a mate... but I can't imagine feeling whole & fulfilled without having a partner in life (even though the idea of trusting & being intimate with a new man is terrifying to me at this point...)
I know I should focus on the HERE & NOW instead of letting my fears about the future rule my life... but it is HARD HARD HARD to do...
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Who Am I?
I used to know who I was, and what I wanted out of life. Starting from the ground up, with a lot of new opportunities & possibilities open to me fills me with excitement, fear, wonder, and anxiety all at the same time. I have to re-invent myself, and figure out what I want & what will make me happy.
I have so much work to do on myself, and so many changes ahead, that when I try to put it all together and make plans, I get overwhelmed & sometimes discouraged. I have a lot of difficult challenges to face, and I am scared! I still do not totally trust myself to make the "right" or "best" decisions after the mess I have made of my life. I am lucky that I have my mother, a couple of friends I trust, and a good therapist to bounce ideas off of & get advice & support from; but ultimately, if I make another wrong move, the responsibility lies with ME.
I have to make sure I really learn lessons from my past mistakes, and that my decisions take into account all of the people who are important to me - primarily my children, my mother & my brother. I want what is best for all of us and I am working hard to figure out what that is and make it happen. It is a lot of PRESSURE - and coming out of a pressure-cooker of a marraige has left me weak in the face of it. I used to be such a "ball-buster" and lately I am like a wet noodle.... I have to learn to stand up for myself all over again and regain some semblance of self-confidence.
I still get bogged down now & then with small stuff, and petty BS - but I am working hard to SQUASH it. I can't afford to waste time on unproductive thoughts when I have so many pressing decisions to make that are REAL and life-changing!!!
I have so much work to do on myself, and so many changes ahead, that when I try to put it all together and make plans, I get overwhelmed & sometimes discouraged. I have a lot of difficult challenges to face, and I am scared! I still do not totally trust myself to make the "right" or "best" decisions after the mess I have made of my life. I am lucky that I have my mother, a couple of friends I trust, and a good therapist to bounce ideas off of & get advice & support from; but ultimately, if I make another wrong move, the responsibility lies with ME.
I have to make sure I really learn lessons from my past mistakes, and that my decisions take into account all of the people who are important to me - primarily my children, my mother & my brother. I want what is best for all of us and I am working hard to figure out what that is and make it happen. It is a lot of PRESSURE - and coming out of a pressure-cooker of a marraige has left me weak in the face of it. I used to be such a "ball-buster" and lately I am like a wet noodle.... I have to learn to stand up for myself all over again and regain some semblance of self-confidence.
I still get bogged down now & then with small stuff, and petty BS - but I am working hard to SQUASH it. I can't afford to waste time on unproductive thoughts when I have so many pressing decisions to make that are REAL and life-changing!!!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Decisions, Decisions...
I have so many important decisions to make right now.
I have to decide who, what, when, where & how I am going to re-build my life, and ensure my children have the best advantages and lives I can offer.
Financially, I am NOT making it. Every day that goes by, I fall deeper into the hole. I DO NOT want to take the easy, scumbag route like my ex & walk away from debt & declare bankruptcy. Especially since my car is leased, and I do not own a home. My credit would be destroyed & owning anything would be YEARS away.
Emotionally I am doing better. I have my ups & downs, but most of my thoughts center around myself, my children, my present, & my future. Less & less thoughts are focused on the past, and re-cycling BH BS. (YAY!) I have made some new friends, and do as much socializing as I can, considering my kids are with me over 90% of the time - but its all good, I prefer it that way! I continue to feel lonely, & isolated from my family & the deep friendships I have back home in Miami.
Geographically I am in HELL. Kernersville (aka Deliverance-ville) is a 2-horse town where everything is located on Main Street & the main event is hitting Walmart on a Saturday night. I see no potential for dating here, AT ALL. There are no employment opportunities, and due to my isolation from family & lack of back-up/support (even from ex #1) I don't have the flexibility to work outside of the home anyway!
Since I split up with BH, my ex #1 changed jobs & works long hours, so he has been less available for the kids. But even when he has time off these days, he chooses to go off on his bike or socialize rather than spend time with them. I know my ex had to build a whole new life for himself - and going through it now I realize how difficult it must have been for him - but I am hurt & puzzled by his behavior. He has always been a good father, and a good person in general, but it seems like he is going through a selfish phase right now. Believe me, I get it - that is where I was 3 years ago when I made all of my bad decisions - but the current circumstances are definitely giving me clarity about my future and where the children & I need to be.
I have to decide who, what, when, where & how I am going to re-build my life, and ensure my children have the best advantages and lives I can offer.
Financially, I am NOT making it. Every day that goes by, I fall deeper into the hole. I DO NOT want to take the easy, scumbag route like my ex & walk away from debt & declare bankruptcy. Especially since my car is leased, and I do not own a home. My credit would be destroyed & owning anything would be YEARS away.
Emotionally I am doing better. I have my ups & downs, but most of my thoughts center around myself, my children, my present, & my future. Less & less thoughts are focused on the past, and re-cycling BH BS. (YAY!) I have made some new friends, and do as much socializing as I can, considering my kids are with me over 90% of the time - but its all good, I prefer it that way! I continue to feel lonely, & isolated from my family & the deep friendships I have back home in Miami.
Geographically I am in HELL. Kernersville (aka Deliverance-ville) is a 2-horse town where everything is located on Main Street & the main event is hitting Walmart on a Saturday night. I see no potential for dating here, AT ALL. There are no employment opportunities, and due to my isolation from family & lack of back-up/support (even from ex #1) I don't have the flexibility to work outside of the home anyway!
Since I split up with BH, my ex #1 changed jobs & works long hours, so he has been less available for the kids. But even when he has time off these days, he chooses to go off on his bike or socialize rather than spend time with them. I know my ex had to build a whole new life for himself - and going through it now I realize how difficult it must have been for him - but I am hurt & puzzled by his behavior. He has always been a good father, and a good person in general, but it seems like he is going through a selfish phase right now. Believe me, I get it - that is where I was 3 years ago when I made all of my bad decisions - but the current circumstances are definitely giving me clarity about my future and where the children & I need to be.
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