One thing I have noticed about myself since I left the "security" of my marriage(s) is that I constantly need to be reassured that I am going to be "OK." I have (way too) many conversations with friends & family where my objective is to get answers to questions that are unanswerable!!! I am having A LOT of trouble living my life with so many UNKNOWNS!
My fear & frustration & lack of control over the future sometimes lead me down the unhealthy road of thinking that being in a bad marraige was better than being alone & adrift. My low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence cause me to wonder if I will ever get my sh!t together and stand on my own, and if anyone will ever love me again - especially now that I feel like damaged goods!
And although I am over the worst of my grief, I am still not HAPPY. I have happy moments, and sometimes hopeful moments, but for the most part I still feel like I have a shadow over my heart, and that I am not living the life I want. And I am still shedding way too many tears.
On a positive note (WOW! A POSITIVE NOTE!!!) I have some semblance of myself back. Until BH came into my life, I always had a large circle of friends. I lost some friends when the news of our affair came out. (Although I guess they were never REALLY my friends in the first place. A true friend can hate what you are doing, and tell you so, but still actually be your friend! ) And then BH was so possessive that I was unable to make new friends when I moved, and I quickly was so miserable in my life that I isolated myself from my old friends because I was ashamed of what my life had become, and did not want to share how I felt - because that would make it REAL & something I would have to DEAL WITH!
Anyway... the point is, I have reconnected with old friends, & made some new friends in the 3 months BH & I have been split. I actually have people that call me, and invite me places, I have GNO, I have gone on vacations/trips... These are activities I used to regularly enjoy before BH (once we were together, I only could do things with HIM - he even got pissed if I took the kids to Costco without HIM - NUTJOB!!!) It feels good to know that people still actually like me & think I am fun to hang out with (even though I am having trouble liking & hanging out with myself!)
I think a big part of what keeps me down is that the absence of the looming, controlling presence of BH & all of the drama that came with him has left a vacuum in my life. I have definitely filled up some of that vacuum with spending more time with my kids & working more hours, but there is still a lot of empty space in my life. I like to take care of people, and I have a lot of love to give... and not having a husband/BF/SO definitely leaves a void. Everything I read says you should just be able to love yourself & be a whole, healthy person & not NEED a mate... but I can't imagine feeling whole & fulfilled without having a partner in life (even though the idea of trusting & being intimate with a new man is terrifying to me at this point...)
I know I should focus on the HERE & NOW instead of letting my fears about the future rule my life... but it is HARD HARD HARD to do...
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