Reality Checks

I am happy to say that I have moved past the mourning stage of my breakup with BH.  He has become totally irrelevant to my life, other than when I CURSE him when one of his creditors call me, or when I pay a bill that is for merchandise sitting in his house, or when I think about playing a CD that I no longer own beacuse that prick has all of my CDs but I never want to see or speak to him again, so I just have to accept they are gone (he has all of my Beatles CDs & he HATES the Beatles!  My Led Zep!  My Blues Traveler!  My Rush & Pink Floyd!  F(&K!!!) or when I went to sew on a button, and realize he has my sewing kit...  Basically, regarding BH, I am left only with feelings of anger, bitterness and regret.  At this point, I have wasted WAY too much time thinking about BH & the breakup & the pre-cursor to the hook-up, and so on, and so on...   I AM DONE WITH IT.  My focus has to be solely on myself and my children, and creating a new life!

However, I am facing some very painful realities about life, myself, the present, and the future.

I had tried to plot & plan to leave BH for almost a year before I finally did it.  A major obstacle that held me back was finances - I have been a work-PT-mostly-from-home MOM for 13 years, since my daughter was born.  Every time I added everything up, I knew I could not afford to make it on my own.  But when my mother came up for the holidays, and she saw my mental state - obviously depressed, stressed, broken down, a person she said she didn't recognize - she became my backbone & told me that between her, my brother & myself, we would make it happen, and get me & the kids the F(&K out of there.

So off I went...  and I do have a really cute place for a really great price....   BUT - I am not making ends meet.  The sad reality is, just paying the minimums on the debt incurred from BH puts me in the red.  I work PT for my brother, PT initiating claims for an insurance company, PT working on a project for my bro's website (which is non-income producing because it is to pay him back for the $$ he lent me for rent & security to move) and PT with an ebay business (which is also non-income producing, because I have to send most of the profit to my bro because it went in the RED when BH was unemployed & we needed the $$ to live on - ANOTHER DEBT I AM STUCK WITH BECAUSE OF HIM!.)  I am about to apply for another PT job in the travel industry (I used to work for a cruise line) that a friend is hooking me up with, but it will not bring in immediate $$$. 

My ex#1 works 6 days a week, long hours, and at this point maybe takes the kids 1 night a week, and maybe stops by my place for an hour or so another night to say hi.  I have no family or support here in Deliverance-ville, and with my ex's hours, working outside the home is really not an option.  Besides the fact the here in BFE jobs are hard to come by, and since I only have an AA, I probably wouldn't find something for more than $10/hour!  ( I make more than that working my other jobs!) 

I have to also honestly admit that for the first 4-6 weeks after BH & I truly ended (I just checked and the date was 3-16 - ironically my wedding anniversary date with ex #1) I was so messed up that I did the BARE MINIMUM when it came to work...  and really everything else in my life, too!  I know I pissed my brother off because I did not make a lot of progress on the project he gave me, and I barely made the deadline for my insurance certification because I was too busy being a basket case....  BUT THOSE DAYS ARE OVER! 

I know what I have to do to move forward, to give the kids & I a chance at a good life, and to give myself the means to become truly independent.  It means making big changes, changes not everyone in my life will be happy with.  I am wrestling with the enormity of the task of making these changes happen, and how to do it with causing as little turmoil as possible for everyone involved....  But the reality is, I have to do what is best for my children and myself, and as long as I know I am moving towards a better life for them and myself, the rest will fall into place.