I have so many important decisions to make right now.
I have to decide who, what, when, where & how I am going to re-build my life, and ensure my children have the best advantages and lives I can offer.
Financially, I am NOT making it. Every day that goes by, I fall deeper into the hole. I DO NOT want to take the easy, scumbag route like my ex & walk away from debt & declare bankruptcy. Especially since my car is leased, and I do not own a home. My credit would be destroyed & owning anything would be YEARS away.
Emotionally I am doing better. I have my ups & downs, but most of my thoughts center around myself, my children, my present, & my future. Less & less thoughts are focused on the past, and re-cycling BH BS. (YAY!) I have made some new friends, and do as much socializing as I can, considering my kids are with me over 90% of the time - but its all good, I prefer it that way! I continue to feel lonely, & isolated from my family & the deep friendships I have back home in Miami.
Geographically I am in HELL. Kernersville (aka Deliverance-ville) is a 2-horse town where everything is located on Main Street & the main event is hitting Walmart on a Saturday night. I see no potential for dating here, AT ALL. There are no employment opportunities, and due to my isolation from family & lack of back-up/support (even from ex #1) I don't have the flexibility to work outside of the home anyway!
Since I split up with BH, my ex #1 changed jobs & works long hours, so he has been less available for the kids. But even when he has time off these days, he chooses to go off on his bike or socialize rather than spend time with them. I know my ex had to build a whole new life for himself - and going through it now I realize how difficult it must have been for him - but I am hurt & puzzled by his behavior. He has always been a good father, and a good person in general, but it seems like he is going through a selfish phase right now. Believe me, I get it - that is where I was 3 years ago when I made all of my bad decisions - but the current circumstances are definitely giving me clarity about my future and where the children & I need to be.
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