Relationship Inventory

As part of an exercise I am doing through a book I am reading, Getting Past Your Breakup, I am working on a relationship inventory.  There are a series of lists I have made, such as Positive Things About Relationship with BH, Negative Things About Relationship with BH, etc. 

When I get lonely, it is easy to think of the past, & my relationship with BH & do what is called "splitting."  That's when I remember all of the good times, & think of all of BH's good qualities, and forget about the bad.  As a reminder of why I am better off alone (it is that morning vulnerable time for me!) I am going through the Negative Things About the Relationship:

>  Time & attention I wanted to give to my children was compromised.
>  No power or control over my own life.
>  Constant criticism.
>  Dealing with his children & their various issues.
>  Felt BURDENED by responsibilities BH heaped on me.
>  My needs, wants, dreams & desires were marginalized.
>  Constant baby-mama drama!
>  Never appreciated.
>  All undesirable chores/jobs were dumped on me.
>  No sharing of responsibilities.
>  Everything was "tit for tat" in a very unhealthy way.
>  I did not have a life I was proud of.
>  Dealing with his anger issues and explosions was exhausting.
>  Squeezing 6 people (& all of their things) in a house meant for 4 MAX was STRESSFUL.
>  Making meals, cleaning up & doing laundry for 6 people with no help.
>  Entered relationship financially secure & lost it all bailing BH out of his financial mess.
>  Worrying about BH's behavior when my mother would come visit.
>  Feeling that 4:00 panic -- house needed to be picked up & dinner started, stat!
>  Inability to travel with my children - or do anything alone with them.
>  Constantly feeling hurt & wounded by BH.
>  Feeling so co-dependent.
>  Being told how inefficient I was all of the time.
>  Feeling trapped and hopeless about the future.
>  His "catch phrases" that he would yell all the time:

"If you're going to be dumb, you better be tough."
"There is no later, there is only now!"  (NOT said in a ZEN way!   Yelled!)
"I could finish everything you have to do today in half the time & spend my afternoon watching TV!"

Not a pretty picture, is it???

Cautiously Optimistic

I have had a couple of GOOD DAYS!! 

I am very lucky that I have a girlfriend that lives relatively close by (she lives about 2 1/2 hours from me) that I have known since I was 11 years old!  Since I have been single, about every 2-3 weeks one of us shleps to the other's house (well...   she has shlepped more than me!!!)  She came up on Saturday, & I had a really great time.  For the first time, I did not feel like I was not having as much fun, or enjoying my activities to the fullest, because I was not with BH (or a man, in general.) 

First we went to a Wine Festival, & I know that if I had been with BH, I would probably have been somewhat whiny & complaining about being hot, thirsty, whatever....  (& I am sure he would have been a royal d#*k about parking, walking, etc.)  But because I was so happy to be free & out & having a good time, nothing bothered me. 

Then we went out for Sushi, which BH would never even try - let alone just go & order something else so I could enjoy it - which was delicious (I highly recommend Imperial Koi if you are ever in Greensboro, NC!!)  And then we hung out at a bookstore - which is something I used to do ALL THE TIME before BH.  It's not about going & spending $$$ on books all of the time, I like to look around, see what everyone's reading...  I just like the whole atmosphere!  We spent over an hour in the self-help section (what do you expect from a couple of single girls?!) and had a blast. 

I am feeling so grateful to be coming out of my lowest of lows, & I am starting to really appreciate the good & happy moments I am lucky enough to experience.  I am seeing things more realisticly regarding BH's true personality & the nature of our relationship.  He really brought out the worst in me -  all of my bad traits were amplified - because he shared a lot of them; but multiplied in intensity by a million!  I want to grow & change & be a better person & create a good life for myself & my children...  and I am ready & willing to do the work to get there.

I had a very low-key, kind of boring day yesterday...   but I am happy to say that I did not mope around feeling lonely & sorry for myself...  I caught up on work, read, talked on the phone with friends, made a nice dinner for the kiddies & myself...   The reality is, even when I was with BH, I had PLENTY of boring days - and a lot more days that were FILLED WITH AGGRAVATION with very little PEACE!!  I definitely have discovered that I would rather have a boring, peaceful day than a busy, aggavating day where I feel exploited & annoyed!!

I do have fun plans with friends & our kids for the afternoon.  Some time in the sun, grilling out...  I will be free to enjoy good times with my kids & my friends & there will be no one annoying me or telling me what I can & can't do, can & can't make for dinner, etc.    

I really hope I have turned the corner...  I know that grief can "recycle" & an incident or something could happen to set me back, but I am finally feeling hopeful again... 

>>>FINGERS CROSSED<<<

More Reasons BH Sucks

Right after I left BH, his baby-mama served him with papers suing him for full custody of his younger kid.  She tried to get full custody when they split & lost, but who could blame her for trying again?  The kid was in therapy by age 4 for anxiety - split custody was not good for him.  And he did not like going to his dad's house - he would flat out say that he loved his Mommy a lot, but he only loved his Daddy a little.

As I was initiating No Contact, I was THREATENED by BH not to change my FB (which had both our names on it) & to pretend we were still together through his court case - and that I would need to be there no matter what.  If I did not comply, he was going to email naked pictures he had of me to everyone I knew & even people I did not know!  And the really f*^%ed up thing was that during that very same conversation, he told me he wanted me to feel like if I ever needed him, if I had an emergency, even if we were totally apart, that I could call him to help me.  WTF??????  Even when we were together, I couldn't count on him!!  Once my car broke down in his baby-mama's driveway, and when I called him to help me, he told me he couldn't leave work & I just needed to figure it out.  I wound up calling my Mom (as usual) & she got me AAA so I could have my car towed & dealt with.  A$$HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He also loved to ramble on & on about how it was not his job to "put a smile on his kid's face."  He was there to feed, clothe & discipline his children, and ensure they were responsible.  End of story.  He was never affectionate with them, and NEVER gave them positive reinforcement.  Without my children around, it was a truly joy-less house.  His older son (of course, he had ADHD & Aspergers, so MAJOR issues there) was only concerned about how he was always "getting screwed" and obsessed with possessions (without love, what else is there?) and the younger son would mope around whining for Mommy (who could blame him?  With Mommy, he received love & affection, instead of being barked at all day!)  BH confessed to me many times that although he loved his children, both were unplanned & unwanted & if he could go back in time he would never have had them.  He despised both of their mothers & went off all the time on how badly they were f*%)ing up his kids, and how he had to be the way he was to undo all of the damage they were doing.

I have to say that I am happy I got my kids away from that maniac & his f*^(ed up kids.  My children have grown up ADORED by all of my friends & family, and are CONSTANTLY shown affection & positive reinforcement.  One of the hardest things I have to accept is that I took them from an idyllic life with an intact family, and exposed them to true pathology in that A$$HOLE's house.  It is the most selfish thing I have ever done, and I feel like I am still being selfish as I am going through all of this emotional turmoil.  

I just want to be through to the other side of this & on my way to happiness......

Way-Too-Early-in-the-Morning Thoughts

When I left BH, I thought I would instantly be happier. I was miserable in the marraige for so long, I thought I would feel instant relief to be out of that stress-filled house & away from BH's controlling, dominating presence. I definitely DID feel relief, but I was surprised by how much I missed BH in the beginning (which is why I went back to him & broke up with him 3 more times,) and how hard it has been to let go of the dreams & fantasies I had about him & our life together - that is where I am still kind of stuck.

A lot of the pain I am feeling stems from the fact that I am not living the life I want, that I am trapped by circumstances that are really of my own making due to mistakes I have made in my life, and those pesky feelings of isolation & loneliness. It's been about 2 1/2 months of No Contact, and I have definitely improved over that time, but I am nowhere near where I need to be. I still spend too much time thinking about BH & what could have been, or wishing he was never in my life entirely & I was still safe in my relationship with my ex #1, or blaming myself for my lot in life, feeling worthless & having a pity party. Way too many tears are still being shed.  BLECH.

Will I Ever.....

I have so many questions and fears about the future...

Will I ever completely stop thinking or wondering about BH and/or his effect on my life?
Will I ever feel completely OK by myself?
Will I ever feel confident, and competent?
Will I ever feel happy and content?
Will I ever stop feeling afraid?
Will I ever fall in love again?
Will I ever feel worthy of love again?
Will I ever be able to completely trust a man again?
Will I ever be able to completely trust MYSELF again?
Will I ever feel excited about the future again?
Will I ever be able to forgive myself for all of the mistakes I have made?

These are the questions that run through my mind on a continuous loop...   and they are impossible to answer right now.  The uncertainty of my life feels unbearable!  Sometimes I think that although I was unhappy with BH, at least I knew what  to expect, and what came next...  Now I am just free-falling.  My counselor suggested that I look at my new life as exciting, and open to new possibilities.  I want to do that, I really do...  I just don't know how to get there.  Fear is getting in my way!!!

2 Posts in 1 Day = FEELING LIKE S*&#

I was miserable during the last 6-8 months of my marraige to BH.  I was constantly on the phone with my sis-in-law & mother discussing all of the craziness that went on in my life, lamenting the decisions that brought me there, planning & plotting to escape...  I would email my mother & brother potential rental listings...  I even almost left last September - to the point where I went out & looked at houses & told BH it was over, but then chickened out.

But now, when I am feeling so raw & wounded, and sad, and lonely....  I start thinking that even though I was miserable then, I might have been happier or better off than I am now...  So I need to make a list of some of the things I hated about my life with BH, some of the crazy things I witnessed, and things I hated about BH in general to snap me back to reality...

I hated BH's simmering anger...  it was always there, lurking.  For example, he installed a new dishwasher (that I am still f*^(ing paying for on a Home Depot card!!!) incorrectly.  The next day, it leaked all over & buckled some of the laminate floors in the kitchen.  I was so scared of his reaction, I brought my kids to their dad's house & had to call my bro-in-law because I wanted to keep him on stand-by if BH got out of hand.  And even though HE installed it wrong, he still tried to blame me for everything - AS USUAL. 

Because another one of his faults was that he could NEVER take responsibility for ANYTHING that he did wrong.  And there were always special circumstances that made the rules not apply to him.  He loved to rant & rave about people sitting around on welfare, etc, yet the reason why his name is not on his younger son's birth certificate is because his live-in baby-mama did not have health insurance and had to go on medicaid for the pregnancy/birth, and then used WIC for free formula & groceries; aparently if he was listed as the father on the BC he would have been responsible for half of the medical bills & they might not have qualified for WIC!  In addition, the kid does not have BH's last name, which of course he rants & raves about & declares that he will cut him off in every way if he doesn't change his name when he becomes of age.

Any task or chore around the house that he found undesirable, he put on someone, anyone else.  He would call his older son (aka his slave) from another room in the back of the house just to pour him a drink!  Once I moved out, when the dogs woke him up at 5AM (this is when I would still stay over on occasion) instead of getting up himself & dealing with it, he would wake up his son (aka slave) & make him let the dogs out.  HELLO??!  You are up already, just deal with it!  Why wake a sleeping teenager who has school later that day?  A$$HOLE!!!!  And when the dogs would have an accident (which happened constantly!) instead of cleaning it himself, he would announce it & expect me or his son or just ANYONE else to deal with it!!!

Every night his younger son was there, dinner was a nightmare.  I did my best to make something palatable for him, because BH was "going to break him" no matter what & make him eat whatever was put in front of him.  He put him (and the rest of us) through hours & hours of tortuous ordeals of that kid whining & crying & screaming & he would force-feed him sometimes until he puked.  It was HORRIFIC.  He WOULD NOT listen to me when I BEGGED him to stop putting all of us through that.  Of course as soon as I moved out, and he was doing the single dad thing without me to slave away in the kitchen, he would let him have waffles for dinner.  If you knew how many BULLS*%T lectures I had to endure about how nobody is allowed to get special meals, and how he made me implement that rule for all, including MY picky-eater son....  And how f*&%ed-up his ex was for letting his kid have whatever he wanted when he was with her....... It is F&#*ing INFURIATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow.  Just wow.  Those are just a few examples of the BS I endured, and my blood is boiling as I relive it!  I have to take a break before I stroke out...  To Be Continued.....

Ho Hum...

So...  I went on a coffee date last night...

Very nice guy, very nice looking, nice time...   but definitely no spark.  None.  Nada.  Zip.

I thought I might be my typical crazy, over-analytical, obsessive self, but NO.  Not at all.  It was a nice date, a good experience to ease me into the dating scene...  should I stay IN the dating scene.  I am really not sure what would be better for me at this point.  My brother (& others) say I need to keep going out on dates, eventually I will be "into" someone, that the only way to move on & feel good is to meet someone else.  But the "experts" and other friends say I need to take a lot of time to heal from my last relationship & work on myself before I can truly be ready for dating.  I think both sides have valid points!

I must admit, I cried on my way home from my date last night.  THIS IS SO NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE IN LIFE!  I thought I was moving heaven & earth to be with the love of my life; I gambled everything & lost!  I do not want to be "out there" dating...  I want to be snuggling on the couch with somebody I love... 

F&%*  I am depressed...............................

Be Careful What You Wish For...

Well, I should have realized that putting myself out there on a dating site could result in someone cool (& cute!) actually contacting me & eventually asking me out!

I KNOW I am not ready for this.  I know this because when I read the email suggesting we meet for coffee, I started crying.  I even considered blocking this person from contacting me so I could just avoid dealing with it!  But there is this sick little part of me that thinks if I don't date anyone, if I don't kiss anyone, if I don't sleep with anyone, I am still kind of available for BH.  So as soon those thoughts ran across my conciousness, I gave this person my number & made plans to meet....  tonight!

In one of the (many) self-help books I have been reading, a woman talked about how she got into a new relationship too quickly - before she had healed from her breakup.  She talked about how she compared everything about the new person she was with to her ex, and how in the end she broke it off with this person beacuse she resented him in general for NOT BEING her ex!  I worry about having similar feelings - less about comparing the actual person to BH, more about comparing MY feelings & the experience I had in the beginning of my relationship with BH.


Even though through part of it I was having a sleazy affair (complete with meeting in hotel rooms in rinky-dink towns all over the south,) I never felt so high on love and life as I did during the fist 6-8 months with BH.  He made me feel so loved, so desired, he showered me with attention, emailed me love songs, made me dinner, played music & danced with me all over the house, called me/texted me/sexted me constantly, told me all of the time how much he loved me/wanted me.....  and I felt & did the very same for him!  It was a very intense expereince.   I find it hard to imagine that I can feel that way about anyone else...  That even if I do meet someone cool, there is no way our courtship will feel like THAT - and that will make it "less than."

From the very beginning with ex #1 & BH, I KNEW they wanted to be with me - there were no games, no "will he call?  does he like me?" BS...   All our cards were on the table from day 1.  Now I have to navigate the minefields of dating & for a person who is already insecure, I sense a nightmare coming on.....

BUT, tonight I AM meeting someone who seems cool.  I doubt it is going to be the love match of the century - I am going to go into it just looking for new friend....  I will admit I am nervous....  this is all so new to me....  ?!?!  And you know what really sucks....  I just wish that BH could have been the man I wanted him to be - because I'd rather be home snuggling on the couch with him than going on a f*&%ing date!!!

<a href="http://www.hypersmash.com%22%3ehyper/ Smash</a>

Mister Mister... or Not...

The finality of realizing that I am never going to be with BH, this person that I was once so close to and revolved my life around, ever again takes my breath away.  The reality that I gave my heart & soul to a person who was not deserving of them is devastating. And when I think of risking my heart again, it is terrifying!  I do not even trust my own judgement anymore.  Every guy is going to come with their own set of problems, their own baggage, and the potential to hurt me in so many ways. 

As insecure as I am, I was very secure in both of my marraiges.  I knew my spouses loved me, I was confident they were not going to cheat on me, I knew they wanted to be with me and would not leave me...  Mr. New Guy could be a cheater (I know, pot calling kettle black...) or the type that ogles other women when you are out together, or a commitment-phobe, or I could fall for someone who is "just not that into me" & experience pain in that way, or he could be a liar, or I could get reeled in by another charming narcissist, or even scarier - maybe I won't find anyone at all!

As I cruise through these dating sites, and get contacted by man after man (not because I am all that - trust me - thats how online dating rolls...) I can't really muster up any enthusiasm.  I know in reality it is too soon for me to date - and that is probably contributing to that feeling, but damn!  I want to feel some kind of excitement, some kind of feeling that there is a potential for happiness on the horizon...  I guess I keep waiting to feel something like I felt for BH in the beginning...  And I guess I am going to have to accept another harsh reality - it's just not going to happen that way.  How can it?  There is no one else out there I share that history with, so there isn't going to be that instant closeness, chemistry or intimacy...

I wish I could just feel whole and happy alone.  That I didn't feel like my hapiness hinges on whether or not I find a man to love me.  That I didn't feel like I am just spinning my wheels without a man to love.  That I didn't feel compelled to put myself out there & risk my heart when it's really too soon because I am just not comfortable enough in my own skin.  Why am I  not enough?

Gratitudes

I am reading several books right now, including 2 self-help books that I find incredibly helpful:

"It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken," by Greg & Amiira Behrendt &
"Getting Past Your Breakup," by Susan J. Elliott.

The first book takes a humorous approach to dealing with a breakup, but actually manages to deliver some solid advice.  It's an enjoyable read - even though the subject matter is painful.  Greg Behrendt also wrote "He's Just Not That Into You," which I guess I will have to add to my reading list when I am actually ready & out there dating!

The second book was written by a woman who experienced a painful divorce, and then went on to earn a degree in psychology, (and a law degree,) and through a series of exercises really forces you to realistically assess your (now past) relationship(s) & go through the grieving to healing process.

Both books suggest creating a list of things you are grateful for, and to consistently add to & update that list.  I really want to be positive today, so here goes:

I am grateful to have 2 wonderful, happy, loving children.
I am grateful to have the most loving, supportive mother, who has made herself available to me, even when I know it is driving her crazy, at all hours during the worst of times.
I am grateful to have an awesome brother who loves me & employs me & supports me in a lot of ways.
I am grateful to have a wonderful extended family.  My aunt has always been there for me, my uncle gives me comic relief, and my cousins are great!
I am grateful for all of my "old" friends who have stuck with me, even when I behaved in a way they did not understand, and acted in a way that they did not approve of.  Their acceptance of me, with all of my faults and f*&k ups, really touches my heart.
I am grateful for all of my "new" friends who have come along at a crazy time in my life, and are helping me get through it & grow & change.
I am grateful for my various at-home jobs that (hopefully, on a wing & a prayer) will enable me to remain available for my children in the way I always have been & intend to be.
I am grateful for the really cute, somewhat affordable house I found on short notice to rent & occupy.
I am grateful for the weight I have lost, because my self-confidence & self-worth have always been tied to my weight - and I know that is an issue in itself I need to fix, but I would be feeling even worse if I was heavier!!!
I am grateful that I have a fun girls-only trip to Myrtle Beach planned with my daughter & some friends next month.
I am grateful that I have the opportunity to escape from NC this summer and spend a month in FL with my children! 

Wow.  Writing this list really does put things in perspective.  When I start feeling sorry for myself I need to re-read this list over & over until I feel better. 

I guess I should end this post by noting that I am grateful it is a warm, sunny day & I am going to the pool with my kiddies & some friends this afternoon!

Playing the Wrong Tapes

BH said a lot of things to try and get me to stay with him...  and when I am feeling scared, or lonely, or sad, those "tapes" play in my head...

Why can't you just love me for me?
Why can't you just be happy and be my wife?
I want to grow old with you...
I'll never cheat on you....
I look forward to being with you every day...
I am excited to see you every day when I come home from work...
You are my favorite person in the whole world....
You'll never find anyone who loves you like I do...
You'll never have the kind of passion we have with anyone else...
You've never been single as an adult - you are going to be alone & lonely for a long time...
You will never find anyone you are actually going to be interested in dating here...
You are so spoiled, you will never make it on your own...
Anyone you date at this age has baggage - mine is no worse than anyone else's that you will meet...
You think you are unhappy now, you will still be unhappy when you are alone, just for different reasons...
You will wake up in a month or two and realize you made a big mistake, but it will be too late...

As I sit here alone, feeling lonely, I start believeing those prophecies, questioning what's wrong with me, wondering what I could have done better/different, blaming myself for the failure of the relationship......  I know my self-esteem and self-worth were crushed by my relationship with BH.  I couldn't wait to get out from under his control, but now that I have my freedom, I have no idea what to do with it!!!  I know that I DO NOT want BH back, I DO NOT want anything to do with his life, but I can't figure out what I DO want.....

INSECURE TO THE MAX

I am really bothered by the fact that I focus more on the loss of BH than the loss of my 1st ex and the life we had together. BH & I had a personal & physical connection that was very strong, but everything else about our relationship and life together totally sucked. He had constant baby-mama drama, was critical of everything I did, we had no friends except bro & sis-in-law, he always put himself and his wants first to the total detriment of our finances (like a $662/month BMW,) I was stuck providing free daycare to his younger child who was a royal PIA, his older child had a ton of issues and could be very hard to take, he was a lazy, mildly abusive parent (which I know is why I grew to be so intolerant of his children - he dumped all of their BS in my lap!) he was an angry & aggressive person, always ranting & raving about someone or something, he was resentful of anything or anyone (including my children) that diverted me from giving him all of my attention, and I never truly felt like his home was OUR home.

My 1st ex treated me wonderfully, was a good father & provider, we had similar morals (well, until I went all scumbag on him & had an affair,) standards, goals, and dreams for our children... and we had a great life - beautiful house, great environment for our kids, financial security, family vacations, grown-up vacations, closeness with extended family, a lot of friends....

BH said all the right words, and rocked my world in the bedroom, but 1st ex actually loved, cared about & respected me!!!

I knew very early on (but NOT before uprooting everyone & moving in with BH) that I had made a terrible mistake... I saw things & tolerated things that I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would just sit on the sidelines & endure. But I was in so deep... I had moved heaven & earth to be with him & for the longest time I stayed because I couldn't face the fact that I had destroyed so many lives to be with him & it was a total fantasy/failure. I spent the last year with him totally miserable, gaining weight, feeling trapped, finally admitting to my mother how unhappy I was... But I was terrified that I wouldn't make it emotionally or financially on my own... which in reality I AM having a VERY hard time doing!!!

So knowing all of this, why on earth do I miss those parts of BH & I that were good, to the exclusion of everything else?? My thoughts keep returning to how unhappy I am being alone, and how he begged me to stay, kept trying to get me back, still wanted me - & now I am stuck with big fat nothing, while he has moved on like I was never there! I sometimes think if I knew how hard this was going to be for me that I would have never left.

I am really trying to learn from my past, and figure out why I was not content with life with 1st ex & why I made all of the mistakes that I did. I want to move forward, be happy & healthy, but I am not comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I royally f*^*ed up my life & that I will never be able to live without guilt & regret over the poor choices I have made. I am also disgusted with myself for still thinking that dealing with a person I did not respect, subjecting myself to a lifetime of emotional abuse, and basically having to give up all of my own desires & dreams because only HIS mattered STILL at times seems like an easier or more appealing life than what I've got now. Because THEN I would have someone who loves me & desires me - that must mean I matter & I am worth something! For some reason, without a relationship, I can't feel that way about myself... I just feel like an invisible, insecure, worthless person...

DESPERATE

I am riding lots of emotional waves these days. (Are you surprised? I think I say that every post!!!)

I am not sure the distraction of these dating sites is exactly healthy for me... in a way it makes me feel kind of desperate, but when I shut down my profiles & have no "propects" I feel even more desperate so WTF??? Yet, no one REALLY appeals to me.... and the thought of anyone but BH touching me scares me & makes me feel sick! We had a very passionate relationship & I don't think I can have those same feelings, that same total openness, with anyone else. We had that whole teenage history, so when we re-connected it was not only off the charts passion it also felt safe & like home, because of our history. Unless I go trolling for dates on classmates.com - I will never have that again. How the hell do you meet a total stranger & get to that point of intimacy???

I probably shouldn't even be obsessing about this, because I am not really done with my grief work, but I am sick of grief!!! I want to be happy, I dont like being alone, and I just want to love someone & have them love me back & be good to me!!!

Meanwhile, I went out last night to a local bar with a few people, & I realized (after 2 glasses of wine) that I should not even drink unless I am in a relationship or at least on a date... because I never really drank until BH & I got together, and we always had good/wild times, so when I drink now, I wind up thinking about things I shouldn't & feeling lonely & sad... So now I can't even enjoy a freaking glass of wine! THANKS, BH!!!!!!

So, when I got home last night, I looked at myself in the mirror (I have lost over 20 pounds post breakup - only about 7 pounds from my goal) & think HHhhhmmm... I don't look too bad... but STILL nobody is exactly beating down my door! WTF is wrong with me?? BH ran out & hooked up with his first date from match.com -- maybe my standards are too high??? UGH, I am pathetic!!!! Even I am sick of me, so I will just stop now & be grateful I have a place to vent!

Bitter B&^(h

I have been having a lot of ups and downs. Sometimes I think I am just outright going crazy!

I am definitely leaning towards bitterness these days... I left BH, my life has been decimated, and he has just moved right along in his life - right on to his next victim.

Meanwhile, I moved to this town which I hate, just to be with him, and now I am stuck here. When we got together, I had no debt, & over $30,000 in the bank... Now I have no $$, and $15,000 of debt. ALL OF THAT IN 3 YEARS!!!! I paid off lawyers fees for him, spent $11,000 to avoid a lien being placed on his house (because we were trying to sell it & purchase a bigger house 2gether...) I could go on & on.... He did not outright use me, because he intended on me being his victim forever, but he was (is) just a narcisisstic TAKER!!! AND the debt he incurred during our relationship (& debts that were there b4 me...) he is walking away from & declaring bankruptcy!!!

It really BURNS MY ASS that I am struggling SO HARD emotionally & financially, and that a$$hole BH is moving on with NO CONSEQUENCES! *^*&^#%&%#&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I spend a lot of time feeling lonely & sad & empty... I am having trouble figuring out what goals to even strive for... what the hell even interests me... & I am not AT ALL comfortable being by myself! I posted a profile on a dating site even though I know I am not really ready to date, just to feel like someone might want me... how sad & desperate is that?!?!

And I am tired of waking up every day & feeling that cloud settle over my heart.... I have to fight my way back to a decent state of mind every morning.... When will I wake up happy again??? I can't even remember the last time I just woke up happy & excited for the future...... I want to be there again, I just don't know how!!

Fair to Middling....

I still find mornings to be the hardest time for me. Its like I wake up and I have to recount how & why I am where I am?! I am still not used to where I live/being alone (well, with sleeping children in the house, but still...)

When I am in this vulnerable state the messed up thoughts of BH creep in.... and its a total "splitting" experience. I sit here & miss the cuddling, the affection, the intimacy, the sex (pardon the TMI,) even just having someone to communicate with & take care of.

This usually results in a AM call to my mother who talks me down & reminds me of all the BS that went on & how BH treated me most of the time & how miserable I was for the last year... But even still, no one was in the marraige but BH & me, and it wasn't ALL bad - and I also was not perfect - I am partially (maybe 25%) to blame for the marraige not working....

OK. Now is when I have to chant IT DOESN'T MATTER because I left, its over, and I have to move on... I still spend some time making BH my frame of reference... I will put something on & think BH would like this outfit & then I have to remind myself he is already admiring someone else's a$$! BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER!!! DAMN!!!!!!!

Moving on is pretty scary in itself! I am stuck in a state/town I moved to just to be with BH, I don't know a lot of people, dating terrifies me (not that I'm ready) & there doesn't seem to be anyone around I'd consider dating anyway! Also, I work from home so I am somewhat isolated... I get lonely & it makes it hard to keep my head on straight....

I am trying to figure out what I need to do to make myself happy... I am drawing blanks... At this point I am just trying to make it through Father's Day (so my kids can see their Dad, who is NOT the BH!!) so I can take off with my kids to FL for a month & get away from this town & spend time with friends & family....

So that's where I am at today.

Fingers Crossed

I am not sure what is happening right now.

My mother left last Friday, and I have been a crying, miserable mess.... until Thursday afternoon.

I was feeling SO desperate this past week (I did the "fake" text, called ex sis-on-law who THANK GOODNESS was not home...) and crazy, and stuck...

But all of a sudden, a calmness has come over me. I have not cried since Thursday AM (a record since I went NC!) & I feel like I have truly accepted that BH & I are over. I cannot say I am not thinking about him at all, but my thoughts are different.... and leading me to thoughts about what I need to do to create a happy life for myself & to NEVER accept being in a relationship with someone who wants to control me EVER. AGAIN.

I actually found myself driving around in a good mood yesterday afternoon -- & I was like, OMG! I can't remember the last time I was just happy & OK like this...

So, I am feeling cautiously optimistc right now. And a little nervous.... I don't want to crash again & go back to feeling desperate & hopeless like I was. I hope I am simply on my way to healing....

>>fingers crossed<<

My Cinco De Mayo is SUCKING A$$

I find that I am especially vulnerable & weepy in the mornings & I am sad to admit that I am crying even as I type this!

I want to get to the point that BH is not the first thing that crosses my mind in the AM, followed by the thought that I am now ALONE & how it sucks & how scared I am of the future & all of the unknowns....

I hate being in so much pain. I guess I am feeling pretty sorry for myself.... BLECH!

I SUCK

I had to delete BH from my phone contacts this AM.

I am ashamed to admit that I "fake" texted him yesterday. It was jumbled up letters, made to look accidental, in hopes of receiving a response & opening up a dialogue. PATHETIC!!!! Does that count as breaking NO CONTACT???

He is flying to our hometown today (booked when we were still doing the merry=go=round thing) & I know that is part of why I had such a hard time yesterday.... We re-connected there, went there together twice a year...

Thank goodness I have an appt with my therapist 2day! I am so sick of this..... I am driving everyone in my life crazy with my whining & instability. I am probably solely responsible for my mother's blood pressure being high right now!! I am tired of crying all of the time. I want to move on & feel better, but I am having such a hard time letting go & accepting that I am alone! Every time I have an "episode" I feel pathetic, worthless & ashamed that I can't handle this. It takes a herculean effort to "fake it" in front of my children.... I don't want them to feel like their mom is unstable! I screwed up their lives enough when I left their father for a$$hole BH!!!!!! I just want to be happy but I don't know how to get there!

BREAKDOWN!!!

I had a mini-breakdown today & totally freaked my mother out. I am feeling so stuck.... I am still so WEAK!!!!!! I am able to maintain NO CONTACT only because I don't want to humiliate myself..... I had to include my (soon to be ex) bro & sis in law in my NO CONTACT because talking to them just upset me.... I feel badly because their feelings are hurt but my sanity couldn't take it anymore! Why oh why am I still obsessing over BH so much???? I see my therapist 2morrow & my mother wants me to ask for meds.... which I do not want.... I just want to feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel right now...

Sorry to ramble! I am not doing well today!

My Frame of Reference

I still often use BH as my frame of reference... as a matter of fact, I had a girlfriend spend part of the weekend with me & she kept pointing out how I would lead so many sentences with BH & I used to... BH is.... When I was with BH I would.... Its like I don't feel like "I" or "Me" is enough & I really cannot accept that "I" is all there is right now!

Today = 6 weeks of the NO CONTACT I initiated with BH.  I am going to take care of ME today!

I will head to the gym for a sculpting class -- I haven't set foot in there since B4 the break-up (although I have lost so much weight from stress I am now within 10 pounds of my goal weight -- so there is at least 1 positive result from this whole ordeal!) I will also start working on  positive affirmations. I DO have a hard time with my self-talk, I admit, and I am willing to try anything to survive this process and feel better, so here goes!

Mornings Suck!

For some reason, when I wake up in the morning I have a very hard time with the reality that I am alone, I have moved out of the house I shared with BH, BH is not in the picture, etc.... So I read self-help books or blog & try to do something positive to lead towards healing... but I still can't seem to make it through an entire AM/day without crying at some point....

I am so up & down emotionally & I feel so pathetic when I start crying & carrying on. It is hard when my family & friends, who only want me to heal & be happy, seem to want some switch to flip & me to just be over it! I know they feel like they watched me turn into someone they didn't recognize when I was with BH & they don't understand how I can have feelings for somone who they clearly saw was a total narcissistic, abusive jerk. But if I could explain it, if I could just *POOF* be over it, I WOULD!!!!

*SIGH*

I am trying, I really am.....