I KNOW I am not ready for this. I know this because when I read the email suggesting we meet for coffee, I started crying. I even considered blocking this person from contacting me so I could just avoid dealing with it! But there is this sick little part of me that thinks if I don't date anyone, if I don't kiss anyone, if I don't sleep with anyone, I am still kind of available for BH. So as soon those thoughts ran across my conciousness, I gave this person my number & made plans to meet.... tonight!
In one of the (many) self-help books I have been reading, a woman talked about how she got into a new relationship too quickly - before she had healed from her breakup. She talked about how she compared everything about the new person she was with to her ex, and how in the end she broke it off with this person beacuse she resented him in general for NOT BEING her ex! I worry about having similar feelings - less about comparing the actual person to BH, more about comparing MY feelings & the experience I had in the beginning of my relationship with BH.
Even though through part of it I was having a sleazy affair (complete with meeting in hotel rooms in rinky-dink towns all over the south,) I never felt so high on love and life as I did during the fist 6-8 months with BH. He made me feel so loved, so desired, he showered me with attention, emailed me love songs, made me dinner, played music & danced with me all over the house, called me/texted me/sexted me constantly, told me all of the time how much he loved me/wanted me..... and I felt & did the very same for him! It was a very intense expereince. I find it hard to imagine that I can feel that way about anyone else... That even if I do meet someone cool, there is no way our courtship will feel like THAT - and that will make it "less than."
From the very beginning with ex #1 & BH, I KNEW they wanted to be with me - there were no games, no "will he call? does he like me?" BS... All our cards were on the table from day 1. Now I have to navigate the minefields of dating & for a person who is already insecure, I sense a nightmare coming on.....
BUT, tonight I AM meeting someone who seems cool. I doubt it is going to be the love match of the century - I am going to go into it just looking for new friend.... I will admit I am nervous.... this is all so new to me.... ?!?! And you know what really sucks.... I just wish that BH could have been the man I wanted him to be - because I'd rather be home snuggling on the couch with him than going on a f*&%ing date!!!
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