I still find mornings to be the hardest time for me. Its like I wake up and I have to recount how & why I am where I am?! I am still not used to where I live/being alone (well, with sleeping children in the house, but still...)
When I am in this vulnerable state the messed up thoughts of BH creep in.... and its a total "splitting" experience. I sit here & miss the cuddling, the affection, the intimacy, the sex (pardon the TMI,) even just having someone to communicate with & take care of.
This usually results in a AM call to my mother who talks me down & reminds me of all the BS that went on & how BH treated me most of the time & how miserable I was for the last year... But even still, no one was in the marraige but BH & me, and it wasn't ALL bad - and I also was not perfect - I am partially (maybe 25%) to blame for the marraige not working....
OK. Now is when I have to chant IT DOESN'T MATTER because I left, its over, and I have to move on... I still spend some time making BH my frame of reference... I will put something on & think BH would like this outfit & then I have to remind myself he is already admiring someone else's a$$! BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER!!! DAMN!!!!!!!
Moving on is pretty scary in itself! I am stuck in a state/town I moved to just to be with BH, I don't know a lot of people, dating terrifies me (not that I'm ready) & there doesn't seem to be anyone around I'd consider dating anyway! Also, I work from home so I am somewhat isolated... I get lonely & it makes it hard to keep my head on straight....
I am trying to figure out what I need to do to make myself happy... I am drawing blanks... At this point I am just trying to make it through Father's Day (so my kids can see their Dad, who is NOT the BH!!) so I can take off with my kids to FL for a month & get away from this town & spend time with friends & family....
So that's where I am at today.
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