I am really bothered by the fact that I focus more on the loss of BH than the loss of my 1st ex and the life we had together. BH & I had a personal & physical connection that was very strong, but everything else about our relationship and life together totally sucked. He had constant baby-mama drama, was critical of everything I did, we had no friends except bro & sis-in-law, he always put himself and his wants first to the total detriment of our finances (like a $662/month BMW,) I was stuck providing free daycare to his younger child who was a royal PIA, his older child had a ton of issues and could be very hard to take, he was a lazy, mildly abusive parent (which I know is why I grew to be so intolerant of his children - he dumped all of their BS in my lap!) he was an angry & aggressive person, always ranting & raving about someone or something, he was resentful of anything or anyone (including my children) that diverted me from giving him all of my attention, and I never truly felt like his home was OUR home.
My 1st ex treated me wonderfully, was a good father & provider, we had similar morals (well, until I went all scumbag on him & had an affair,) standards, goals, and dreams for our children... and we had a great life - beautiful house, great environment for our kids, financial security, family vacations, grown-up vacations, closeness with extended family, a lot of friends....
BH said all the right words, and rocked my world in the bedroom, but 1st ex actually loved, cared about & respected me!!!
I knew very early on (but NOT before uprooting everyone & moving in with BH) that I had made a terrible mistake... I saw things & tolerated things that I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would just sit on the sidelines & endure. But I was in so deep... I had moved heaven & earth to be with him & for the longest time I stayed because I couldn't face the fact that I had destroyed so many lives to be with him & it was a total fantasy/failure. I spent the last year with him totally miserable, gaining weight, feeling trapped, finally admitting to my mother how unhappy I was... But I was terrified that I wouldn't make it emotionally or financially on my own... which in reality I AM having a VERY hard time doing!!!
So knowing all of this, why on earth do I miss those parts of BH & I that were good, to the exclusion of everything else?? My thoughts keep returning to how unhappy I am being alone, and how he begged me to stay, kept trying to get me back, still wanted me - & now I am stuck with big fat nothing, while he has moved on like I was never there! I sometimes think if I knew how hard this was going to be for me that I would have never left.
I am really trying to learn from my past, and figure out why I was not content with life with 1st ex & why I made all of the mistakes that I did. I want to move forward, be happy & healthy, but I am not comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I royally f*^*ed up my life & that I will never be able to live without guilt & regret over the poor choices I have made. I am also disgusted with myself for still thinking that dealing with a person I did not respect, subjecting myself to a lifetime of emotional abuse, and basically having to give up all of my own desires & dreams because only HIS mattered STILL at times seems like an easier or more appealing life than what I've got now. Because THEN I would have someone who loves me & desires me - that must mean I matter & I am worth something! For some reason, without a relationship, I can't feel that way about myself... I just feel like an invisible, insecure, worthless person...
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