DESPERATE

I am riding lots of emotional waves these days. (Are you surprised? I think I say that every post!!!)

I am not sure the distraction of these dating sites is exactly healthy for me... in a way it makes me feel kind of desperate, but when I shut down my profiles & have no "propects" I feel even more desperate so WTF??? Yet, no one REALLY appeals to me.... and the thought of anyone but BH touching me scares me & makes me feel sick! We had a very passionate relationship & I don't think I can have those same feelings, that same total openness, with anyone else. We had that whole teenage history, so when we re-connected it was not only off the charts passion it also felt safe & like home, because of our history. Unless I go trolling for dates on classmates.com - I will never have that again. How the hell do you meet a total stranger & get to that point of intimacy???

I probably shouldn't even be obsessing about this, because I am not really done with my grief work, but I am sick of grief!!! I want to be happy, I dont like being alone, and I just want to love someone & have them love me back & be good to me!!!

Meanwhile, I went out last night to a local bar with a few people, & I realized (after 2 glasses of wine) that I should not even drink unless I am in a relationship or at least on a date... because I never really drank until BH & I got together, and we always had good/wild times, so when I drink now, I wind up thinking about things I shouldn't & feeling lonely & sad... So now I can't even enjoy a freaking glass of wine! THANKS, BH!!!!!!

So, when I got home last night, I looked at myself in the mirror (I have lost over 20 pounds post breakup - only about 7 pounds from my goal) & think HHhhhmmm... I don't look too bad... but STILL nobody is exactly beating down my door! WTF is wrong with me?? BH ran out & hooked up with his first date from match.com -- maybe my standards are too high??? UGH, I am pathetic!!!! Even I am sick of me, so I will just stop now & be grateful I have a place to vent!