Cautiously Optimistic

I have had a couple of GOOD DAYS!! 

I am very lucky that I have a girlfriend that lives relatively close by (she lives about 2 1/2 hours from me) that I have known since I was 11 years old!  Since I have been single, about every 2-3 weeks one of us shleps to the other's house (well...   she has shlepped more than me!!!)  She came up on Saturday, & I had a really great time.  For the first time, I did not feel like I was not having as much fun, or enjoying my activities to the fullest, because I was not with BH (or a man, in general.) 

First we went to a Wine Festival, & I know that if I had been with BH, I would probably have been somewhat whiny & complaining about being hot, thirsty, whatever....  (& I am sure he would have been a royal d#*k about parking, walking, etc.)  But because I was so happy to be free & out & having a good time, nothing bothered me. 

Then we went out for Sushi, which BH would never even try - let alone just go & order something else so I could enjoy it - which was delicious (I highly recommend Imperial Koi if you are ever in Greensboro, NC!!)  And then we hung out at a bookstore - which is something I used to do ALL THE TIME before BH.  It's not about going & spending $$$ on books all of the time, I like to look around, see what everyone's reading...  I just like the whole atmosphere!  We spent over an hour in the self-help section (what do you expect from a couple of single girls?!) and had a blast. 

I am feeling so grateful to be coming out of my lowest of lows, & I am starting to really appreciate the good & happy moments I am lucky enough to experience.  I am seeing things more realisticly regarding BH's true personality & the nature of our relationship.  He really brought out the worst in me -  all of my bad traits were amplified - because he shared a lot of them; but multiplied in intensity by a million!  I want to grow & change & be a better person & create a good life for myself & my children...  and I am ready & willing to do the work to get there.

I had a very low-key, kind of boring day yesterday...   but I am happy to say that I did not mope around feeling lonely & sorry for myself...  I caught up on work, read, talked on the phone with friends, made a nice dinner for the kiddies & myself...   The reality is, even when I was with BH, I had PLENTY of boring days - and a lot more days that were FILLED WITH AGGRAVATION with very little PEACE!!  I definitely have discovered that I would rather have a boring, peaceful day than a busy, aggavating day where I feel exploited & annoyed!!

I do have fun plans with friends & our kids for the afternoon.  Some time in the sun, grilling out...  I will be free to enjoy good times with my kids & my friends & there will be no one annoying me or telling me what I can & can't do, can & can't make for dinner, etc.    

I really hope I have turned the corner...  I know that grief can "recycle" & an incident or something could happen to set me back, but I am finally feeling hopeful again... 

>>>FINGERS CROSSED<<<