I SUCK

I had to delete BH from my phone contacts this AM.

I am ashamed to admit that I "fake" texted him yesterday. It was jumbled up letters, made to look accidental, in hopes of receiving a response & opening up a dialogue. PATHETIC!!!! Does that count as breaking NO CONTACT???

He is flying to our hometown today (booked when we were still doing the merry=go=round thing) & I know that is part of why I had such a hard time yesterday.... We re-connected there, went there together twice a year...

Thank goodness I have an appt with my therapist 2day! I am so sick of this..... I am driving everyone in my life crazy with my whining & instability. I am probably solely responsible for my mother's blood pressure being high right now!! I am tired of crying all of the time. I want to move on & feel better, but I am having such a hard time letting go & accepting that I am alone! Every time I have an "episode" I feel pathetic, worthless & ashamed that I can't handle this. It takes a herculean effort to "fake it" in front of my children.... I don't want them to feel like their mom is unstable! I screwed up their lives enough when I left their father for a$$hole BH!!!!!! I just want to be happy but I don't know how to get there!