The finality of realizing that I am never going to be with BH, this person that I was once so close to and revolved my life around, ever again takes my breath away. The reality that I gave my heart & soul to a person who was not deserving of them is devastating. And when I think of risking my heart again, it is terrifying! I do not even trust my own judgement anymore. Every guy is going to come with their own set of problems, their own baggage, and the potential to hurt me in so many ways.
As insecure as I am, I was very secure in both of my marraiges. I knew my spouses loved me, I was confident they were not going to cheat on me, I knew they wanted to be with me and would not leave me... Mr. New Guy could be a cheater (I know, pot calling kettle black...) or the type that ogles other women when you are out together, or a commitment-phobe, or I could fall for someone who is "just not that into me" & experience pain in that way, or he could be a liar, or I could get reeled in by another charming narcissist, or even scarier - maybe I won't find anyone at all!
As I cruise through these dating sites, and get contacted by man after man (not because I am all that - trust me - thats how online dating rolls...) I can't really muster up any enthusiasm. I know in reality it is too soon for me to date - and that is probably contributing to that feeling, but damn! I want to feel some kind of excitement, some kind of feeling that there is a potential for happiness on the horizon... I guess I keep waiting to feel something like I felt for BH in the beginning... And I guess I am going to have to accept another harsh reality - it's just not going to happen that way. How can it? There is no one else out there I share that history with, so there isn't going to be that instant closeness, chemistry or intimacy...
I wish I could just feel whole and happy alone. That I didn't feel like my hapiness hinges on whether or not I find a man to love me. That I didn't feel like I am just spinning my wheels without a man to love. That I didn't feel compelled to put myself out there & risk my heart when it's really too soon because I am just not comfortable enough in my own skin. Why am I not enough?
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