When I left BH, I thought I would instantly be happier. I was miserable in the marraige for so long, I thought I would feel instant relief to be out of that stress-filled house & away from BH's controlling, dominating presence. I definitely DID feel relief, but I was surprised by how much I missed BH in the beginning (which is why I went back to him & broke up with him 3 more times,) and how hard it has been to let go of the dreams & fantasies I had about him & our life together - that is where I am still kind of stuck.
A lot of the pain I am feeling stems from the fact that I am not living the life I want, that I am trapped by circumstances that are really of my own making due to mistakes I have made in my life, and those pesky feelings of isolation & loneliness. It's been about 2 1/2 months of No Contact, and I have definitely improved over that time, but I am nowhere near where I need to be. I still spend too much time thinking about BH & what could have been, or wishing he was never in my life entirely & I was still safe in my relationship with my ex #1, or blaming myself for my lot in life, feeling worthless & having a pity party. Way too many tears are still being shed. BLECH.
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