Introduction

<<From here forward, BH = BANANA HEAD, which is what I will use to refer to my EX.>>

I am in a dark place right now, really grieving the loss of 2 marraiges, and riddled with guilt.

3 years ago I left a good man, and a good marraige (not perfect, there were issues, but no mistreatment) for my high-school sweetheart, my "1st love." I moved my children & ex-husband to a new state so I could have this new life, and married my new man.

I am ashamed to say that I married a fantasy, the fantasy of a 15-18 year-old teenager. He was a true narcissist, and really charmed me & presented himself & his life in a false light... He was a horrible parent to his children, constantly crtitical of everyone around him, selfish, self-centered, insanely posessive & controlling (although I admit I was also insanely posessive...) I could go on & on but at this point even I am sick of it!

I left him in January, but we did the "dance" (getting back together/splitting up) until mid-March.

Even though I chose to leave, and he begged me to stay - & I ended it with him a total of 4 times, the knowledge that it was my choice to end things does NOT help. I am a wreck... And to top it off, the last time I ended things, he told me he was going to throw up a profile on a dating site & would be dating within the week, and that is exactly what he did. I find it impossible to reconcile the fact that 1 day he is literally telling me I am the love of his life & he wants to grow old with me, and the next day he is cruising match.com?!?! When I found out he had actually gone on a date, I pretty much had a breakdown... My family whisked my kids & I away for a vacation because they were worried about my sanity!

At this point, I have a lot of guilt over running away from my 1st marraige, taking away safety & stability from my children, hurting a man who was nothing but good to me, falling for & being stuck on a man who is NOT worth it, and burdening my family with dealing with my problems - especially since I am to blame for them! I am also terrified of the future, and being alone, since I have been in a relationship (husband 1, then 2) since I was 19 (I am now 38.) And because my ex was so controlling, I was not allowed to make friends in my new life, so I am very isolated now. I have managed to make a GF or 2, but I do not have a good support system in place where I live now. I have never been independent, and I am scared I won't make it, either financially or emotionally...

Meanwhile, despite the fact that intellectually I KNOW the man I just left is not good for me or my children, that we had an unhealthy co-dependent relationship & that being with him crushed my self-confidence & self-esteem, I miss the intimacy we had... even to the very end he was always affectionate & passionate & told me the words I needed to hear about being loved & desired... Now I feel like I am an empty shell & I worry I will never feel as "in love" as I felt with this man...

I question what I could have done differently to make it work... My therapist says my thoughts/behaviors are those of an emotionally abused woman & that nothing I could have done would change who my ex was. I want to get over this man instead of clinging to the idea that he was the love of my life & I made a mistake in leaving him. I want to heal & move forward & feel like happiness is out there...